Why am I single

I am single for now by choice , Although I am looking for a long term relationship I am taking my time in my search.

My last long term relationship was about 3 years ago , we were together almost 6 years, and that was the first time I had ever falling in love with someone , I mean true love.

When she left I was in the hospital , had been in for 31 days , and 14 of those were in ICU . I did not find out she was gone until the day I was being discharged and I could not reach her on the phone , so I had to call a cab to get home. We lived on the second story of a two story apartment building on the beach.

The cab driver had to all but carry me up the steps , I was still very weak, When he unlocked the door for me and the door opened the apartment was empty, the TV stand was left , that was it.

Well FUCK ME , okay another hurdle in life suck it up. 31 days in the hospital 6 bleeding ulcers three blood transfusions I was over it. The only way they found me was I had called 911 they tracked the call from the gps in the phone , 9 days later I woke up and she was by my side, she had been there for 9 days never left.

At first I was very angry I was a mad mother fucker , I called the cab driver back , he brought over a 5th of jack , and a large pizza , fuck me no glasses. I called down stairs a Hungarian couple  asked if I could borrow a glass and some ice, very nice people.

I sit there thinking what the fuck happened ? What went wrong? What did I do ? I was very angry because she had left the way she did but I truly understood why.

Okay call the landlord here we go , the next day Him and his wife stopped by , they walked in with a hundred bags of food, furniture , towels dishes , silverware , wow a TV.

It was almost a year I did not work , almost total seclusion , a lot of jack and pizza , that’s good yes after six bleeding ulcers.

As much as I hate to admit it , the break down of our relationship was my fault and only mine , I understood why she left the way she did, I was good with that.

The last year of the relationship I let my feelings and emotions get the best of me , I was giving in , to her , I was no longer punishing when she broke a rule , I was no longer in charge. I was so in love with her , my feelings blocked out everything else. We learn from our mistakes.

So some three months into this mess I was still very weak , I was only able to stay up for maybe a half hour or so . Then one morning about 3am my phone rings , I answer and I hear Daddy, what the fuck ?

She said he beat me , he beat me real bad I need your help. Wow I am thinking are you serious really?

Okay I get up shower , walk down stairs I am already tired , fuck me my camero wont start has not been started in about four months , I get a jump yea the couple down stairs and I drive 150 miles .

I get to this dudes house and I have to confront him , man I don’t need this , she packs up her crap and I take her home, hardly any conversation at all. I did not bring up about her leaving or the way she did, I just chewed her ass out for picking a stupid ass hole.

Now back to the subject . Why am I single ? It seems we as humans tend to settle for less , that what we really want at times , thinking or hoping things will work out, Well they don’t and never will. It is like putting  a band aid on a deep gash , it will not work.

So after a year I am laying in bed , and I wake up and I am thinking what the fuck is wrong with you? What are you doing? What are you thinking ? Get your ass up get back to work , and find yourself a bitch.

I spend the next few years in and out of relationships, dating. Nothing was working , everything was a flop.

I had to think what is wrong ? Then it hit me WOW . I am comparing everyone I meet to her, they way she spoke , carried herself , in and out of public. The way they dressed, drank out of there glass, everything was still about her. No one could fill her shoes, not even close.

So I had to sit down and make a list of the qualities in a submissive I was looking for , two categories. One what I wanted in a partner and the second what I did not want in a partner, and stick to the list no bending.

So the past year I have dated a lot just about every weekend , I thought I had come close a couple of times , but you cannot bend. If you settle for less it will not work.

I will remain single until….



10 Responses to “Why am I single”

  1. Love is such a touchy subject, preferably to avoid. Indifferent is my favorite word as lately….

  2. Sometimes we never know a person until you are the one in that hospital bed in need. We tend to be givers but there are many more takers than givers in this world. I am a giver which causes me a lot of hurt a lot of the time. But Oh well that’s me and I have no plans to change it.

    Great post.

  3. love is hard. love hurts a lot. but what’s better than it? sigh.

  4. Berry Coffin Says:

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